The Great Guadalupe River Tubing Turkey Trip in Texas

Tubes, Tan Lines, and Total Chaos—A River Tale Starring Mullethead and Hambone

This river tale stars Mullethead and Hambone, two Texans for whom Guadalupe River tubing is as sacred as barbecue and bluebonnets. When Mullethead caught wind of a “charity floatathon” on the Guadalupe, his response was pure poetry:

“I’m fixin’ to tan my knees and taste freedom.”

Hambone, however, had concerns.

“Do they even make SPF strong enough for my thighs?”
“Only if you mix it with nacho cheese,” Mullethead quipped.

The wives, Millie and Hillary, packed sunhats, first-aid kits, and enough snacks to feed an SEC tailgate party. They knew their husbands’ version of “relaxing float” usually ended in bug bites and public nudity.

Float Prep: A Checklist for Disaster

Mullethead, true to form, arrived for their Guadalupe River tubing adventure in flip-flops, an American flag tank top, and a cooler the size of a Smart Car.

“I packed us essentials,” he told Hambone.
“What’s in it?”
“Brisket sliders, Dr Pepper, pickled okra, and a Bluetooth speaker that only plays George Strait.”

Hambone arrived in a brand-new DeeprBlu float tube that looked more like a luxury SUV than a flotation device. Hillary shook her head.

“This is not a regatta, Hambone. It’s tubing.”
“It’s called preparation, Hill. I read three blogs and watched a YouTube tutorial.”

Millie, rolling her eyes, handed out waterproof sunscreen and matching neon visors with “Floatin’ & Gloatin’” bedazzled across the front. She’d made them on Etsy with passive-aggressive love.

Launch: Right Into the Wrong Group

Their serene Guadalupe River tubing experience went sideways the moment they launched into the river and accidentally joined the wrong float group: Aggressive Singles Over 60: Margarita Division.

Led by a retired rodeo queen named Shirley, this crowd was not your average mellow floaters. They had floating blenders, coordinated Jell-O shot schedules, and an aggressive game of “Marco Polo” underway.

Mullethead was thrilled.

“Millie, these folks party harder than my high school reunion.”
“Your high school reunion was at Whataburger,” she deadpanned.

Hambone, meanwhile, was being stalked by a synchronized-swimming widow named Thelma, who kept asking him if he “liked jazz… or jam.”

The Tubepocalypse Begins

An hour into their Guadalupe River tubing excursion, disaster struck. Mullethead’s prized cooler broke free and began floating downstream like a barbecue-themed pirate ship.

“MY MEAT!” he cried, kicking his legs like an inflatable cowboy chasing his brisket dreams.

Hambone attempted a heroic rescue, using his waterproof Bluetooth speaker as a paddle. He overshot the cooler and instead collided with a retired Marine named Randy, who mistook him for a “tube troll.”

Meanwhile, Hillary’s tube sprung a slow leak, turning her journey into a very slow spiral of aquatic doom.

“Y’all! I’m circling like a sad tube of despair!” she hollered, spinning like a lost donut.

Millie was somehow unbothered, floating peacefully while sipping Gatorade through a silly straw.

“Let me know when y’all are done floppin’. I’m chillin’.”

River Justice: The Margarita Mutiny

Things came to a head when Shirley’s float group attempted to commandeer Mullethead’s speaker, demanding a switch from George Strait to Pitbull. A stand-off ensued.

“You touch that speaker,” Mullethead warned, “and I’ll unleash Amarillo by Morning on loop ‘til sunset.”

Hambone tried to defuse the situation by offering a truce Jell-O shot, but accidentally grabbed one spiked with ghost pepper tequila. His reaction was somewhere between interpretive dance and internal combustion.

The river guide, a teenager named Tanner with a whistle and a sunburn, finally intervened.

“Y’all are supposed to be floating for charity, not starting River WrestleMania!”

Charity With a Side of Chaos

Somehow, by the time they reached the end of their Guadalupe River tubing adventure, the four friends had:

• Lost two visors.
• Gained three phone numbers from Shirley’s crew.
• Collected four bags of river trash (thanks to Millie’s mid-float cleanup).
• And inspired Hambone to invent a waterproof brisket wrap (patent pending).

They may not have floated in formation. Or peace. Or dignity. But they did raise over $1,200 for the local wildlife rescue through float-a-thon donations.

“This whole thing went off the rails,” said Hillary.
“You mean off the ripples,” replied Mullethead, proudly holding a waterlogged slider. “Still counts as charity.”

Final Tally: Bruised Egos, Full Hearts, Can’t Float Straight

As they dried off under the Texas sun, Mullethead toasted with a warm Dr Pepper and declared:

“Next year, we’re bringin’ pontoons.”

Hambone raised his now-deflated tube and added,

“Next year, I’m bringin’ goggles, a flare gun, and a taser in case Shirley’s still single.”

Millie and Hillary just shook their heads, silently planning their own Guadalupe River tubing trip—sans husbands, sans chaos, but probably still full of floating brisket and heart.

Float On, Y’all

If you’ve never experienced Guadalupe River tubing with a cooler full of beer, brisket, and a heart full of poor judgment, are you even living? Mullethead and Hambone’s float trip may have been a fiasco, but like any good Texan story, it ended with laughs, a lesson, and sunburn.

Until Our Next Adventure:

Y’all ever had your own Guadalupe River tubing trip gone wild? Tell us about your float fails, river wins, or charity chaos in the comments below! And if you want to gear up for your next aquatic adventure (minus the flirtin’ retirees), check out our favorite river-ready Amazon must-haves:

🛟 Top Picks:

• Intex River Run Inflatable Tube with Cup Holders
• Earth Pak Waterproof Dry Bag for Phones, Snacks & Regret
• Inflatable Mega Chill Cooler with Lid & Tie Rope
• Reef Safe Sunscreen – Mullethead-Approved SPF 50+

Until next time, keep floatin’, keep laughin’, and for the love of George Strait—never let go of the brisket.