Comedy, Mullethead and Hambone

Two Texas Tricksters: Mullethead & Hambone Joke It Up at the Lone Star Saloon

Neon Bar Sign in Lonestar Saloon

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Bar Joke Battle

The Lone Star Saloon buzzed with the easy hum of conversation and clinking glasses. Two lone stars themselves, Mullethead and Hambone, perched on stools at a corner booth, were louder than the rest. Neon signs bathed the dusty bar in a warm glow, reflecting off Mulletheadโ€™s mullet and Hamboneโ€™s Stetson as they nursed their Shiner Bocks. The air hung thick with the aroma of mesquite-smoked brisket and the promise of a joke or two.  Nearby patrons are paying attention.

Mullethead: (grinning) Hey Hambone, ever heard the joke about the two fish in a tank?

Hambone: (Chuckles) I canโ€™t say I have, Mullet. Hit me.

Mullethead: One turns to the other and says, โ€œDo you know how to drive this thing?โ€

Hambone: (Bursts out laughing) Now thatโ€™s a knee-slapper! You never disappoint, Mullet. You got another one?

Mullethead: Sure, a story. The other day I saw an old headline from Time Magazine from February 2015, โ€œWhy the Washington Monument Has โ€˜Shrunkโ€™ By 10 Inchesโ€. 

 Hambone: Oh, the famously phallic D.C. dongโ€”what did it say?

Mullethead: It said, โ€œThe measurement change is likely due to wear and tear to the monumentโ€™s cap.โ€

Aerial view of Washington Monument in D.C.

Hambone: Ouch!

Mullethead: Ouch indeed! But I figured they just measured it in the winter. 

Hambone: (howling with laughter) Wow, thatโ€™s gold, Mullet! But cool your heels cowboy, letโ€™s keep it clean.

Mullethead: Thank you. Thank you very much. Okay, your turn Ham โ€” humor me!

South Texas Punapalooza

Hambone: Alright, alright, alright. My turn. What do you call a cow with no legs?

Mullethead: Ground beef! Thatโ€™s too easy, Ham.

Hambone: (smirks) Bravo, but not quite. Itโ€™s called ground beef! โ€” Because it canโ€™t moove!

Mullethead: (face contorted in a mixture of amusement and despair) Hambone, youโ€™re a menace to society. A walking, talking, well of pathetic puns.

Hambone: (raising an eyebrow) Okay, okay, now you go!

Mullethead: (a mischievous glint in his eye cleared his throat.) A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. The librarian whispers, โ€œTheyโ€™re right behind you!โ€

Hambone: (doubles over laughing, tears streaming down his face) You magnificent mullet-headed menace! That joke is a keeper!  Brevity is the soul of wit, my friend! My next classic joke: Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasnโ€™t much, but the reception was excellent!

Mullethead: (throwing his head back in laughter) Youโ€™re unbelievable, Hambone! Youโ€™re like a pun factory, churning out groaners faster than a kolache maker on a Monday morning!

Hambone: Hey, a pun a day keeps the doctor away, right? Besides, whatโ€™s life without a little laughter, and maybe a few groans and eye rolls for good measure?

Mullethead: Youโ€™re right, Ham. Youโ€™re right. How about this one? Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Hambone: (knowingly grinning) Because he was well-stuffed?

Mullethead: Nope, because he was outstanding in his field.

Hambone: (howling with laughter) Alright, alright, you out-punned me with that one. Whatโ€™s next?

Mullethead: Okay, one more: Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?

Hambone: Lay it on me, Mullet.

Mullethead: Because he wanted to get a long little doggie.

Mullethead and Hambone drink Shiner and tell jokes to an adoring crowd in Lone Star Saloon

No More Puns

Hambone: (embarrassed for his friend) Wow, thatโ€™s too much! Iโ€™m all punned out. Iโ€™ll put a bullet in this back-and-forth with a limerick: 

In Texas, where the sunโ€™s always gleaminโ€™,

Cowboys ride with a drawl thatโ€™s redeeminโ€™,

With hats as big as houses,

And booty-slappinโ€™ spouses,

Texans two-step through dreams never dreaminโ€™.

Mullethead: (smiling and nodding his head) Nice cherry on top, Hambone!

Our Curtain Call has Come

By the time they stumbled out of The Lone Star Saloon, their bellies were full of liquor and laughter, and their heads were buzzing with bad puns and even worse jokes. As they walked along the dusty streets, a tipsy patron rolled past, yelling, โ€œThat there was funnier than a possum playinโ€™ pianny.โ€

Just then, a gruff voice boomed from the shadows. โ€œYou boys call those jokes? Back in my day, jokes were so funny, theyโ€™d make a cactus shed its needles!โ€

Mullethead and Hambone spun around, squinting at the weathered cowboy leaning against a hitching post. He had a handlebar mustache that rivaled Mulletheadโ€™s mullet and a Stetson so dusty it probably had its own ecosystem.

โ€œWell, howdy there, stranger,โ€ Mullethead drawled, ever the Southern gentleman. โ€œCare to share one of these legendary jokes of yours?โ€

The cowboy chuckled, making a sound like gravel scraping against sandpaper. โ€œSure, Sonny, but only if you can handle it. Itโ€™s a real knee-slapper, guaranteed to make you snort milk out your nose.โ€

Hambone, ever the skeptic, scoffed. โ€œYeah, right. We donโ€™t even drink milk.โ€

The cowboyโ€™s eyes narrowed. โ€œSuit yourselves. But donโ€™t come cryinโ€™ to me when your sides are splittinโ€™ from laughter.โ€ He leaned in conspiratorially, his voice dropping to a raspy whisper. โ€œA man walks into a bar with a tiny pianoโ€ฆโ€

Possum plays piano in a saloon

Mullethead and Hambone exchanged nervous glances. This stranger seemed legit, and the anticipation was killing them. But just as the cowboy was about to deliver the punchline, a loud โ€œYEEHAW!โ€ echoed from across the street. A group of rowdy college students, fueled by cheap liquor and questionable life choices, stumbled out of a saloon, bellowing an off-key karaoke version of Garthsโ€™ โ€œFriends in low places.โ€

The cowboy sighed, his shoulders slumping. โ€œNever mind, boys. Seems the punchline just arrived.โ€

With a wink and a tip of his hat, he sauntered off into the night, leaving Mullethead and Hambone staring after him, a mixture of disappointment and amusement lingering in the air.

โ€œWell,โ€ Mullethead finally said, scratching his head, โ€œthat wasโ€ฆanticlimactic.โ€

On Through The Night

Hambone grinned. โ€œTell you what, Mullethead. Maybe we can create a joke so funny entire species will evolve a sense of humor just to appreciate it.!โ€ 

And so, under the watchful gaze of a star-studded sky, their quest for comedic glory continued, proving that even in the face of Stetson-wearing jokester cowboys and off-key karaoke, the true spirit of friendship and terrible humor always prevails.

Until next time, friends, thank you for joining us for more Mullethead and Hambone hijinks. Happy Trails!


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