(Spotlight onstage at Lonestar Saloon snaps on, revealing Mullethead, a lanky Texas urban cowboy, is sitting on a barstool.)
Mullethead: Well, howdy, howdy, howdy, folks! Mullethead here, your friendly neighborhood comedian, fresh off the emotional rollercoaster of some online and speed dating disasters! Let me tell ya, that ain’t for the faint of heart. (He grins at the audience, then gestures to the empty stool beside him.)
(Hambone, a stocky Texan wearing a weathered cowboy hat, saunters over and plops down on the stool.)
Mullethead: Well, howdy there, Hambone! Look at you, all dressed up like you’re about to meet your future ex-wife.
Hambone: (laughs) Mullethead, you know me too well. I always aim to impress, especially in the world of love and calamity.
Mullethead: (grinning) Speaking of love and calamity, I tried speed dating the other day. You know, a crash course in finding Mrs. Right Now.
Hambone: (raising an eyebrow) Speed dating? Well, that’s faster than a jackrabbit in a lightning storm. How’d that go for ya?
Mullethead: Oh, it was like riding a pogo stick while trying to rope a wild bull. The first gal I sat down with said she was into fast cars. I told her my truck hits 60 miles per hour eventually, downhill.
Hambone: (chuckles) Smooth. Real smooth. What happened next?
Mullethead: She asked if I believed in love at first sight. I said, “Ma’am, I believe in love at first bite – that’s how I fell in love with chicken-fried steak.”
Hambone: (laughs) Classic Mullethead move. So, any callbacks from that night?
Mullethead: Well, a few days later, she sent me a text. Said she was “speeding” through our relationship. I told her she was driving faster than my grandma on her way to bingo night.
Hambone: (nodding) Ain’t nothing wrong with a slow and steady approach. Now, I’ve dipped my toes into the online dating pool in the past.
Mullethead: (raising an eyebrow) Online dating, huh? Isn’t that like fishing in a digital pond?
Hambone: You could say that. I found this gal who claimed to be a real catch. Said she was a cat person, though. I thought, well, I’m more of a dog person myself.
Mullethead: (smirking) Cats, huh? They’re like some relationships—guys and gals who only show affection when they want something.
Hambone: (laughs) You nailed it. Anyway, she wanted to meet up at a fancy restaurant. You know the kind with tiny portions and big prices?
Mullethead: Oh, I most certainly do. The kind where you leave hungry and your wallet loses weight.
Hambone: Exactly. So, we sit down, and the waiter hands us the menus. She starts reading it like it’s the Bible. I’m just thinking, “Lord, have mercy, I hope there’s chicken-fried steak on this menu.”
Mullethead: (grinning) And was there?
Hambone: (shaking his head) Not a trace. Just fancy words and prices that made my wallet wail. She ordered a dish with a name I couldn’t pronounce. I ordered the safest bet—a burger.
Mullethead: (nodding) You can’t go wrong with a good ol’ burger. So, how’d it go?
Hambone: Well, she looked at my burger like it had insulted her mother. Then she said, “I only date men with refined taste.” I told her my taste was so refined I could tell the difference between Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb.
Mullethead: (laughs) Smooth, Hambone. Real smooth. Did she stick around?
Hambone: Nope. She excused herself to the restroom and never came back. She might have gotten stuck in a reality warp caused by a rogue soap dispenser dispensing existential dread. Now she’s debating the meaning of life with a particularly chatty roll of toilet paper.
Mullethead: (shaking head) So I reckon you’re here to drown your sorrows after that dating disaster?
Hambone: (with a smirk) Mullethead, my man! The only thing I’m drowning in is my laughter. You know, they say love is blind, but after meeting some of my dates, I wish it was sane too!
Mullethead: Now, don’t be too harsh. Remember that gal who said she was an animal lover? I heard she left you because you were a party animal!
Hambone: Well, at least I don’t have to worry about her dog being jealous. But let’s talk about your online dating adventures. I heard your last date ended before it even started!
Mullethead: Yeah, she said she wanted a man with a sense of direction. So, I told her I was right here, straight from the south, and she proceeded to go straight north!
(Both chuckle)
Hambone: Speaking of directions, remember when you asked your date for her sign, and she said it’s “Stop”?
Mullethead: Wow! At least she was clear and concise. Your date gave you mixed signals and then left you on red… like a traffic light!
Hambone: True, but it’s all about finding the right one. They say there’s plenty of fish in the sea, but I think I’m just using the wrong bait!
Mullethead: Well, you know what they say, Hambone, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find your princess.
Hambone: I just hope the next frog doesn’t turn out to be a toad!
(They raise their glasses.)
Mullethead & Hambone: To better dates and better bait!
Mullethead: So, Hambone, tell me about your last online date.
Hambone: Well, she was a magician. She asked for my phone to put her number in, and then disappeared!
Mullethead: That’s nothing. My last date was a librarian. She made me check out early.
Hambone: Funny! Speaking of checking out, remember when you told your date you were a big deal online?
Mullethead: Yeah, I said I had a strong following. She found out it was just my mom and her sewing circle.
Hambone: At least your mom’s supportive. My date asked if I was a dog person or a cat person. I said I was more of a turtle person—slow and steady.
Mullethead: Slow and steady wins the race, unless it’s the race to her heart!
Hambone: True, but it’s better than your sprinter strategy. You run towards love so fast, you trip over your own feet!
Mullethead: Hey, I just like to get to the good part quickly. But tell me, how did your video date go?
Hambone: It was like a silent film. Her mic was broken, and I had to guess what she was saying.
Mullethead: That’s rough. My video date was like a horror movie. All of a sudden, her black cat jumped on the keyboard and typed out a demonic contract in perfect Comic Sans. After that, I decided eternal servitude was not worth unlimited cuddles.
Hambone: Indeed! Your date took a turn for the “paw-sitively” terrifying! Well, my date said she loved to travel. Turns out she loved to travel on the couch. Her Netflix account was her passport and her most prized possession.
Mullethead: That’s discouraging. But not as discouraging as when your date said she was into astrology and read your horoscope as ‘forever alone.’
Hambone: Could be worse. Your date took one look at your mullet and said she could see your future… in the past!
Mullethead: Ouch, that’s harsh. But at least I didn’t get stood up in a coffee shop.
Hambone: Stood up? No, she was there. Just invisible. I think she was a ghost. I got ghosted in person!
Mullethead: (toasting) Well, here’s to hoping our next dates are visible and audible!
Hambone: And real! Cheers to that!
As the night wore on, the laughter in the Lonestar Saloon grew louder, with Mullethead and Hambone’s banter providing endless entertainment. They had shared stories of dates gone awry, each more hilarious than the last, and now it was time to wrap up their comedic showdown.
Mullethead: (raising his glass) Well, Hambone, I guess we’ve discussed our fair share of dating disasters tonight. But, you know, what if it’s us? Maybe we’re the problem; we should take a look and see.
Hambone: Amen to that, Mullethead. But you know what they say: ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you funnier!’
Mullethead: And wiser! I’ll buy that. I think we’ve laughed enough to scare away any bad luck on our next dates.
Hambone: And if not, we’ll just come back here and turn it into a comedy routine.
Mullethead: Speaking of routines, I think we’ve got enough material to hit the road!
Hambone: Hit the road? You mean like a comedy tour?
Mullethead: Why not? ‘Mullethead and Hambone: The Tour de Farce.’ We could be the next big thing!
Hambone: I like the sound of that. But let’s make a pact: no more online or speed dating until we’ve gotten our first million laughs.
Mullethead: It’s a deal. And to all you folks out there, if you’ve had a date that’s gone south faster than a duck in winter, just remember…
Hambone: You’re not alone, and there’s always a funny side to every story. (raising his glass) Here’s to finding love the Southern way—slow, steady, and with a side of chicken-fried steak.
Mullethead: And iced tea! (clinking glasses) Amen to that, Hambone. And if it doesn’t work out, at least we’ll have some hilarious stories for the grandkids.
Mullethead & Hambone: So keep laughing, keep loving, and we’ll see you on the flip side!
(They clink glasses and exit the saloon to applause and cheers from the crowd.)
With their pact made and spirits high, Mullethead and Hambone stepped out into the night, ready for whatever adventures awaited them. Their friendship, forged in humor and good-natured rivalry, was a testament to the power of laughter in the face of life’s little challenges. And who knows? Their future soul mates could be sitting in the audience of their next comedy show.
